We all know how the Secret Santa thing is supposed to go. You pull a random name out of a hat, hope the corresponding person has a sense of humour, spend a few pounds buying them something incredibly tacky that maybe gets a laugh when it’s opened, and everyone goes home happy.

No one knows it was you who bought the furry handcuffs, and that dodgy Barbie and Ken wrapping paper? Don’t look at me.

Until the hat disappears that is, and random is random no more.

I kid you not. At the nine to five on Monday morning, everyone received a white envelope with a name and a ten pound note inside. The question I have is: Who has THE LIST?

The whole point of Secret Santa, beyond the enforced camaraderie and the ‘aren’t we a very close and happy company‘ spiel, is the secret part. You buy something that perhaps says more about you than the ungrateful recipient; something that causes a blush or three from someone who never blushes. But you do so with the full knowledge that no one will ever know it was you. When asked, you simply claim you were the one who bought the Save the Kangaroo voucher, and people will carry on thinking you’re just as boring as they always thought.

After the office empties on Thursday evening, THE LIST will no doubt re-surface. There’ll be a figure huddled in a dark corner, frantically muttering to themselves and making cross marks alongside every second name:

“Only £4.99 in Poundsaver. Cheapskate. No bonus for you!”

“Buy me a subscription to Out and Proud will you? P45. See how you like that!”

Best to be boring this year I think - safer all round. I’ll just lock the riding crop back in the closet for another year. I hear that Panda charity are doing a special on Help the Galapagos Turtles. Two for a tenner!